Sunday, September 03, 2006

Them's fightin' words

It occurs to me that maybe I have some issues. I happened across a seemingly harmless question over at mothergoosemouse. I read my response and realized that I need to get this out.

"We fight. We fight a lot. I work full time. Outside the home. With middle schoolers. He is a full-time grad student. At seminary. Studying to be a pastor. We fight about him not spending enough time with the family. About him needing to get off his butt and get a job. About ME having to get another job. About me not wanting to have sex because I’m so tired from working all day then taking care of the kids while he’s in class. But I love him and cannot imagine my life without him.

Our fighting is mostly just smartass comments said half-under-the-breath, then repeated loudly. There usually is a loud discussion next. Sometimes, there is yelling of the word “jackass”. (That’s me.) When I tell my friends about these things, they tell me he is selfish. I say that he just doesn’t look at things from my perspective. They say that is the same thing.

Let me reiterate. I love my man. I long to have him just hold me, because I’m always so exhausted. There is no one I’d rather fight with."

Now, I feel a little bit better. However, it worries me that we keep having these same arguments over and over, and things never seem to get resolved. Is that normal? Can a marriage survive when nothing ever changes. We've been having the sex fight since we had Colby, almost 4 years ago. It usually starts with me telling him no AGAIN for like the 5th night in a row. And he goes into his "you must not love me anymore" or "you don't find me attractive" whiny-thing. Which is totally not the case. I'm just tired! Why can't he understand that I'm just f*cking tired!?!

Then there's the "you don't spend enough time at home" fight. He's a volunteer with our youth group at church. He's in school full time during the day. I HATE that he spends most of his time hanging out with other people's kids, and not ours. I don't understand it. When I don't have to be at work, I leave. I don't volunteer to go back for more! He missed the first "real" Halloween with the kids last year because the youth group was having a pumpkin patch closing party. Both kids had dressed up (we had Buzz Lightyear and Woody the sherriff), and we went with my sister and her little girl. It was so fun! And he totally missed it. [That was last year. See what I mean about having issues?]

And now he wants to go into ministry full time. Allll the time. I know that being a pastor is a 24/7 kind of job. That there will be times when he has to go in the middle of dinner or whatever because of an emergency. I only hope that, by then, I will have learned to live with that. Any suggestions? And if anyone tells me to go talk to him, you know, when he gets back from the youth retreat tomorrow night, I will hunt you down and beat you.

I need a chocoate chip cookie!


Oh, The Joys said...

I used to be married to a doctor. We fought. His career were always more important than me, I felt. We divorced.

I don't think that's what you wanted to hear...

Sayre said...

You, Mama C, are in for a long haul. I've heard that it's just as difficult to be married to a pastor as it is to be married to a doctor or a lawyer. and yo might find that once he's out of school and pastoring full time, HE'LL be the one saying "not tonight, honey".

Your kids are still little. No matter WHAT else is going on, you're going to both be tired and preoccupied with work and kids. I'm hoping that once they get older and more able to be on their own for short periods of time, or that you can feel comfortable leaving them with a babysitter, that you and your husband will make more time for each other.

My boy is 7, and we still don't always have time or energy for each other, but sometimes we'll sneak home for "lunch" or tell the boy we need a "private conversation" and sneak it in. And frankly, it's my husband that needs that. I just help him out - and as it turns out, I'm helping myself too!

It takes some effort sometimes - but the effort is well worth it.

Bear and a Bee said...

So sorry to hear that things are crappy right now. All I know is that God calls us to (uh-oh, hear comes the "S" word) submit to our husbands. Worries, arguements, stress and tired nights are always going to be there. The love is the thing you have to fight to keep alive. I won't tell you to go talk to him for fear of a ferocious beating! Maybe you could let your clothes falling to the floor do the talking for you. Oh, and if he is becoming a Pastor, he will have to learn to put family first. Are there any married men that he could talk to about prorities? (Preferably a HAPPILY married man!) Take it from a pastor's daughter, there are always going to be problems in the world for him to fix, but screw up your family and you will never really be successful. I'll sincerely be praying for you.

34quinn said...

wow..I do not know much on the subject but in reading the comments I am inclined to agree with bear and bee...especially...the part of him learning to put family first...I do not even have a problem with it being God first, then family, then OTHERS....and I also agree with the comment that if he scres up the family he will never truly be successfull. An awesome comment and I must agree...other than that all I Have is 19 years married and I think you both need to be talking about also what you need out of the relationship and If your goals and aspirations will be also considered. Too may times we get lost in this thinking of how our husbands career goals are somehow more important and ours take the backseat.
Be true to yourself too make sure you think through where you want to be down the road and if you will be able to be there with the choices you make now.
best to you both.

Mama C said...

Ladies, I am feeling the love. Thanks for your words of wisdom and strength and encouragement. It's nice to know that I have someone I can talk to, even if I have no idea who you are or what you look like.

34quinn said...

lol...well, as for what I look like you can see me on my blog.. there are two or three photos of me if you check back over the last few posts...just if you need to put a face to the name.

Gingers Mom said...

I hope you found a really big and gooey cookie to munch down on. mmmm....
Just because your man is in the ministry does not mean you have to make all the sacrifices. My dad was a pastor, but he was a husband and father first. That is what God gave him first. Ministry is important, but your relationship with him is greater than that. You need to set boundaries for your family so that you can be a support system to him in his ministry that is SO vital.
My husband chases me around too. I have 3 kids under 4. Get off! It gets better. Usually I tell him to give me some space and I will come around. It is the constant chase that gets me.