Thursday, May 31, 2007

What a Week!

Finally, I am staring Friday in the face. It could not have come fast enough. You'd think that with school out, it would be less stressful. But it's like the stress waited until it could just knock me over to come.

Cheeseman is doing better. He is still not eating much, at least not consistently. He'll eat some days really well, like at McD's the other day. Then other times, like tonight at dinner, he'll barely touch his food. And he likes chicken nuggets and macaroni. Those are two of his favorite foods! It doesn't make any sense. I'm keeping an eye on him, just in case.

Bman is doing okay. BabyNet came by today to do a speech eval on him. Mrs. Deborah had called them to take a look at him through the daycare. And some guy came to the house today to do the official look over. Evidently, they think Bman may be speech delayed. I know a lot of people can't understand all of what he says, but I can! Of course, Hubs says that's just because we're used to it. And we understand his special grunts and when he points. And when he screams at stuff that he wants. And when he just gives up because we don't understand. Evidently, that also is a problem. He's supposed to get frustrated that we don't understand. But Bman is just really laid back. He's very self-sufficient. He'll sit and play by himself all the time. So, should I feel guilty for not reading to him enough?

All year, we've been so preoccupied with Cheeseman's medical stuff, in and out of hospitals with doctors and all, we haven't had time to do as much with Bman as we did with the first one. Is he suffering now because I didn't make the time? Well, I guess I wouldn't say he's suffering, exactly. He's still going with the flow. And luckily, BabyNet is free. They will provide whatever speech therapy he needs for FREE until he turns three. (in October) Then they will turn him over to the local school district. Which I happen to work for. Which Aunt Nikki also teaches in, at the elementary school that serves our neighborhood. Where Bman would probably go for speech. Yay! I guess it could be worse.

That's all I'm going to write about today. Another day, probably tomorrow, I will share the story of Hubs. I'm not sure I can write about it yet, because it's still pretty fresh. But I will share. Because when I read about this in a few years, I want to always remember what we went through, and how it made us stronger.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Doing Weight Watchers

I joined Weight Watchers on April 20. Originally, it was to take off some weight to look good in the bridesmaid's dress for my brother's wedding in July. And it was also a little because my pastor mentioned that he did it, and they were running a free week special. I figured if a GUY could stay on it, surely it couldn't be that hard.

The first week, I lost two pounds. It didn't seem like much, and my clothes were still tight. The next week, it was three. I had lost five pounds! That was exciting. The clothes were fitting better.

In the last three weeks, I've lost 6 more pounds. Bringing my total to 11! Wow! My new capris that I bought at Old Navy in April: too big. I put a pair on today to go to church and I had to belt them really close. I didn't want them to fall off when I was singing. It felt good. Even Hubs said that he could really tell I'd been losing when he looked at me in the mirror the other morning. I tend to stand around in my underwear while I'm doing my hair and makeup.

It has improved my life. I want to go shopping to buy some new clothes, but I'm going to wait. I don't want to buy a bunch of stuff now, then have it not fit in another month. As much as I love to shop, we just don't have the money for that kind of thing.

Also, I'm feeling much better about me. I've always had self-esteem issues. Since I was a teen. I know that, and I've tried to work through them. I'll be doing really well, then gain weight and feel bad again. The thing is, that doesn't just affect me, it also affects my marriage. When I feel bad about me, I don't want Hubs to want me. I feel like he can't possibly want to have sex with me when I'm looking (in my mind) fat. Then he feels rejected because I don't want to sleep with him, and it's an ugly cycle. We've been doing it ever since Cheeseman was born.

Now, though, I'm liking my body a bit more. And I want him to notice me. It's improving our marriage. Yay! Thank you, Weight Watchers, for helping my marriage!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Summer vacation begins

School is out and it is my summer vacation yet again. This year, we get twelve full weeks of summer, thanks to the powers that be in the state house and congress. Whatever. I am (somewhat) looking forward to spending time with my little guys. If only Cheeseman would quit whining every five seconds about Bman hitting him/throwing something at him/looking at him. Those two!

Hubs is on his way to O'burg tonight. He got a call from his aunt saying that Gramma is not doing so well. She has Alzheimers, and has been going downhill pretty rapidly. They think she may not make the night. Poor hubs. I know this has been hard for all of them. Especially Aunt, because she lives right there in town and does most of the taking care of stuff.

I've lost 11 lbs. using Weight Watchers. Yay! It's been 5 weeks. I fully intend to keep it off, and even lose some more. If only I could stop eating those damn brownies!

And I can't find my cell. Where the hell is it? I've tried calling it, and I can't even hear it ringing. That is not good.


How funny is this!?

Friday, May 11, 2007

Published laughing jewelry

I am a published author. I am so excited about this! I have been writing in some form or another since second grade: diaries, journals, poetry, memoirs, short fiction. This is the first time I've ever had something really in print.

Where can you go to read my moving piece?

Shine! The literary magazine of the middle school where I teach.

Man, when I opened up the mag, I was so excited! I turned to the page, and there it was. In it's black and white glory. With my name on it and everything. I think I squealed.

What's fun about it is that some of my students have read it too. Wow! Actual people, reading my stuff. Well, if you consider middle schoolers to be people. Which I mostly do.

Funny from today. We were having too much immature fun in class today (Apollo has many duties [doodies][hee hee]) and one of the kids says "You are so immature!"

I answered "If you spent all day with middle schoolers, you'd be immature too!"

She replied "I DO!"

"And there you go."

Okay, looking at that makes it less funny. But if you could see the look on her face, it was all worth it. Right there.

In unrelated news, I think I am addicted to jewelry. I love it. I must have more. I went to another jewelry party tonight, and bought a bracelet, necklace, and ring. Must stop.

Friday, May 04, 2007

My dirty little secret

If I write it, it will be real. I told Shannon tonight, because I really just need someone to talk to. I have no one. I'm here, I'm all alone. I have no one to talk to. I told Shannon.

Hubs has been sleeping on the couch all week. Not because I made him. Because he doesn't come to bed because he's "not tired." Then he falls asleep. T

he one time I woke him up to come to bed, he tossed and turned for 45 minutes then went back and slept on the couch.

Every morning, I wake up to the living room light on. The TV on. Sometimes a kitchen light on. Sometimes the front door still unlocked.

I feel like my marriage is in trouble. He doesn't see it. He doesn't see that I am bothered by this. I'm scared to say anything to him, because I don't want to get into another fight.

He won't even be home tonight at all. He's off with the youth group on a Lock Out. Then he has to work the lunch shift at the restaurant. So he'll be home (maybe) to shower before 10, then not again until after 4. Then he'll sleep and sleep and sleep. Bet he'll sleep in the bed then.

Do we need counselling? I wouldn't even know where to look. Should I talk to my pastor again? He knows that Hubs and I are having issues. He keeps saying 'I've got to talk to him' but he hasn't yet. I don't know what to do. I'm so embarrassed.

Am I so repulsive that he can't stand to be in the same room as me? He hasn't tried to touch me in almost 2 weeks. He's never been like that! What is going on?

I cry on the way to work sometimes, I'm so depressed. What do I do?

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Did Ya Miss Me?

I've been away for far too long. I have felt unhappy, lethargic, and downright nasty. It must be because I haven't been writing. Even if no one reads this, it makes me feel better. I write because I must. If I don't, I will shrivel up and die.

This is my out. This is my way to tell myself that everything can't be as bad as it seems. Even when it is just as bad as it seems. It's my way to let out the drama that is inside me.

This week has been rough. It's my own fault, really. I waited until the last minute to make my final exams. I waited until the night before it's due (tonight) to work on my paper for my class. Oops. I'm a procrastinator. I'll admit it. But my paper is good. And it's done. All I have to do is copy some extra stuff, and I'll be ready to go.

Exams start tomorrow. Tomorrow, the torture begins. They have to translate. It's not great on a good day, let alone when they are nervous. Then Friday is the grammar. Hee, hee, hee. I've been practicing my evil laugh. The tests are all multiple choice. I don't do that to be nice to the devils. I do that because I have very little time to grade these things, and m.c. is easy to grade. And I can get Hubs to help out. Even he can read the letters. Don't have to know Latin for that!

Tomorrow after school I have 3 places to be. 1) homebound instruction. Guess I'll have to call and cancel that. Maybe she can meet on Friday. 2) Class. So I can turn in my paper. We're supposed to be having dinner/appetizers. That sounds like way more fun than... 3) meeting. We have to talk about 8th grade graduation. And summer staff development. Fun.

I've started Weight Watchers. The first week I lost 3 pounds. This week, not so much. In fact, not at all. I've not been very good this week. It's got to be the stress. I can't lose weight when I've got all this stuff on my mind. (it just took me three tries to type m-i-n-d. Geez!) Must stop the stress. Must stop the stress.