The Sound of Silence

Ahhh, bliss!

What do I hear?

Nothing.

Well, just the air conditioner.

I'm in a hotel. By myself. Yeah, that's right. No kids. :)  No husband. :(

I'm going to a conference for a few days. For work. And they're putting me up at a hotel. My own room! With two beds! I can bed hop from night to night!

But it's so quiet. There's no TV going. There's no whispering in another room. There's no sound of snuffling and snoring through a baby monitor.

What? I'm what? Lonely?

But I've been looking forward to enjoying some quiet time! (Imagine this in a whiny voice.) With three boys at home, don't I deserve to enjoy some peace and quiet?!

Don't you hate it when you look forward to something for a while, then the reality falls short of what you were imagining? Like at Christmas, after you saw Santa. You'd given him your list, and you just knew that he was going to finally bring that Barbie Dream House. Then on Christmas morning - no Barbie Dream House. "Guess Santa ran out of those!"

Whatever, Mom and Dad.

Why am I not enjoying this lovely, quiet time? I can read in peace, without someone interrupting me. (Honey, I'm looking at you!) I can write my post without someone looking over my shoulder. I could go get a drink from the vending machine and I wouldn't have to share!

Oh, man! I miss my kids! I miss their whispers. I miss the snoring. I miss the jumping up to give me a hug goodnight. I miss their sweaty, little boy smell. Okay, not that. But the rest, I do.

I miss my hubby. I miss his cuddling on the couch ... well, I won't really go into all that. Let me just say, I miss his incessant TV watching too. Who am I going to watch Franklin and Bash with Tuesday night? I might have to turn the TV on, just so I feel like he's here with me.

Hope my babies will be okay without their mommy. Hope mommy will be okay without her babies.

Well, I have two more nights to enjoy my silence. Maybe the quiet will feel less empty tomorrow.

The Best and Worst of Times

I recently read the book THE FIRST HUSBAND by Laura Dave. It was enjoyable. One of my favorite parts of the book was when the main character, Annie, met Griffin. He also ends up being a main character, but not exactly in the same way. You kind of feel like he's going to be important, as Annie's just had this life-changing experience. And there's this handsome stranger. You know how it is. They get to talking about who they are. And Annie starts to ask Griffin about his ex.

But Griffin doesn't want to rehash the past. He thinks that it's better to live in the present. Which is true. But he has this policy of telling one best thing and one worst thing about the relationship. Which strikes me as very smart. Instead of bringing all this emotional baggage to someone who may or may not stick around, just condense it. And why would a stranger want to hear all your hang ups anyway? Right?

 So, Hubby and I recently celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary. That may not seem like a lot to everybody. But it's a huge milestone to me, since my own parents didn't even make it twelve years. This has seemed like a good goal to me. And we made it! Hubby didn't see that it was a huge deal, as his parents have been married almost 39 years. Wow! You can see how twelve might be small potatoes to him.

 We went out to dinner to celebrate. While at dinner, I decided to spring this best and worst idea on him. After all, it's just too much to rehash all twelve years. It would've taken all day! But we were each able to come up with something. And they were different for both of us. It was a nice conversation starter.

 So, what would you say. What has been the best moment of your current relationship? What has been the worst moment? Think about it.

Lemons

Okay, so I know that the cars were used when we bought them. I understand that they are not perfect and new. No problem. But I expect that they will last more than 4 months after buying. Such frustration!!

Weston couldn't get his car to start this morning. It was early, he was leaving for church. He said that it sometimes has trouble getting going when it's cold. No problem. So he took my car instead. At 9:30, I went out to try again, so the boys and I could go to Sunday School. Nothing. I went out again at 10:30. Nothing. So, no church for the 2nd week in a row.

Tomorrow, the plan is for us to get the kids up extra-early so that they can all drive me to work. Luckily, I don't have morning duty this week, so I don't have to be there until 7:20. BUT, I do have class tomorrow afternoon. Starting at 4:00. It is NOT at my school. Hmmm. What to do? Guess I'll hitch a ride or walk or something.

What could be wrong with the Santa Fe? I have no idea. I just hope it can be fixed. Soon. Cheaply. Otherwise, we are in trouble!

In other news, I really enjoyed the Phineas and Ferb marathon on ToonDisney. That is my new favorite show. Other than Grey's, House, Dancing with the Stars, Criminal Minds, and Numb3rs. But for a kids' show, P & F is really catchy. They had a marathon all weekend. So it's been on constantly! But I think I have now officially seen every single episode of it. I hope they make some new ones soon!

Been Missing?

Wow! I don't think I realized that I've been gone so long. I'm all into that Facebook thing now, so I've been neglecting my blog! Oops! I also have just plain been busy. But I want to do this, this writing thing. I remember that I love to write, so I need to take some time for me and do it!

Cheese is doing so great! The doc has lowered his status to just coming in every three months. It is truly a blessing from God. There has been the occasional accident, but overall he's been doing really well. If only his behavior in school was that good. We've been getting notes from his teacher about his bad behavior. Well, not really BAD, exactly, just moderately disruptive. He's a "natural leader" who is not using his power for good. We've threatened him with taking away his toys, but that doesn't seem to be helping much. I even offered to buy him a toy at the end of the month, if he will just be good! I know that we're not supposed to do that, bribing him, but we really don't know what else to do.

B-rex had a big fall. He's been in speech classes again, and those are going so well. He's talking up a storm now! Once we got Cheese all squared away physically, we decided to focus on B-rex. So in December, he had his tonsils and adenoids removed. It was a fun week with him. So pitiful all the time: "My fwoat huwts, Mommy." Broke my heart. We knew it was bad when he actually asked for his Tylenol with codeine. The good news is: he's fully recovered! And now that he doesn't snore anymore, he's sleeping much better. AND, the boy has finally gotten an appetite. He's like a bottomless pit now! Sheesh!

I started my Masters program last summer, at the end of July. So far, I'm 3 classes in, and it is going really well. I have a 4.0 in two classes, and a 3.96 overall. So proud of myself. I'm feeling pretty darn smart. Praise God!

Hubs is doing well. Well, okay. We're working through some stuff.

I'll try to keep this updated. Really. Just not during Grey's Anatomy. Tootles!

So Far, So Good

We are now 4 days into the new year, and things are going okay. There have not been any MAJOR issues yet. Just one, small, teensy-weensy problem. My car.

I went to go start the car before leaving for work yesterday because it was freakishly cold, like near freezing. Which for SC is very cold. (I know this is not a good idea. Evidently there have been a few break-ins when people have left their cars outside warming up. Although can you really call it a break-in when you leave the door unlocked?) I put the key in the ignition and turned. It made some strange whirring/grinding sound (if you call, I'll do it for you) and the inside lights came on. But it did not start. I tried again. Same thing. So I ran back into the house to get Hubs opinion. We decided that I should take his car. And I did.

So I get to school, 10 minutes after I was supposed to be there for morning duty in the gym. I served my time in the gym babysitting the sixth graders. Went back to my classroom. The phone rings. It's Hubs. "My keys to your car are in my car." So, since I had MY keys on my keychain, he had no keys. And the first bell would ring in just 10 minutes. Not enough time for me to get home and back. So Hubs stayed home with the kiddies yesterday. Cheese did not go back to school. B-rex did not start his new daycare. Oops. But really, who keeps a set of car keys in a car?! Even if it is a different car?

Of course, when Hubs tested the car when I arrived home after school, it worked fine. Damn thing.

And then AGAIN this morning, it wouldn't start. So I took Hubs' car again. Only this time, I left him my keys. But he called at 8:00 to let me know that HE couldn't get it to start either. And I have no jumper cables in my car. We have some, apparently, but they are guess where? In HIS CAR! Sigh. So a friend came by and took Cheese to preschool, since she works there. Thank God for Sharon. And Hubs called his buddy Fred to come help. Only Fred's wife had run over his jumper cables and smushed one end. So he had to go buy a new set. And us a set. THEN he jumped the car and all was well. This was around 8:45-ish. Hubs finally got to work a little after nine. Then had to leave early to go over to the Seminary to talk to them about his readmission for the fall.

Anyway, that's our drama. We're looking into getting a new car for me. Since mine doesn't want to get up early anymore. Hubs bought it a new battery and got its oil changed, but I don't think that will work in the long run. It is older than most of my students. We're looking at the dreaded mini-van. I've wanted one ever since I found out I was pregnant with Cheese. We've held off for a while, but I think it is just a matter of time. Oh, and money. I don't know HOW we would pay for that. We've never had a car payment before. I'm trying not to think about that though, even though it is the most important part. I suppose we'd find it somewhere. Like the kids' college fund. Such as it is.

Like I said, so far not so bad. If the broken car is the worst of it, it is going to be a GREAT year!

B-rex did start his new daycare today. Ms. Amy said that he had a great day! He just jumped right in like he'd been there forever! I am so glad that he is so adaptable. He didn't even notice when I came in to pick him up. He was like "hi mommy" and kept on playing. After a moment, he did run over to me, but obviously he was having a good time. I'm glad. I wish we'd never taken him out of that daycare to begin with. His home daycare was nice, but he just really needs to be with more kids his own age. I think this is going to be so good for him!

Happy Halloween

Tomorrow is Halloween. The boys are looking forward to going to Princess' house and trick-or-treating. I had to explain how the whole day would go down. Because Cheese is all into details and asking "Is that after today?" about everything. "First we go to school. Then I pick you up, then we come home and get Bennett. Then we order the pizza. Then we go to pick up the pizza and take it to Princess' house. Then we eat the pizza. Then we change into your costumes. Then we go trick-or-treating with Princess. Then you can hand out candy at Princess' house for a little while. Then we are coming home and going to bed."

at least, that's the plan. I'm sure a thing or twenty will totally ruin that. Already we've hit a snag. The new Power Ranger costume that Cheese bought with his birthday money is messed up. We had a Fall Festival at our church on Sunday. The boys had nametags on with the type of "Christian character" their costume showed. And Cheese didn't take the sticker off when he took off his costume. And I didn't notice it when I threw it in the washer. So the sticker got washed. And, like a bad mommy, I dried it. Then I noticed the sticker residue. So I washed it again. And it is still there. I don't know what to do.

Cheese does have other costumes. Like the SpiderMan one from last year that still fits because he has not gained an OUNCE since then. Or the Ninja Turtle one that my mom got him. Or the Buzz Lightyear that we got from some friends. But I think his little heart is set on being the grey Power Ranger. Sigh. Maybe I should call my stepmom, knower of all things domestic.

Not much else going on. Hubs started a new job at BCBS this week. He's working customer service through a temp agency. Pay is good. Hours are steady. This week, he's also working every night at the bookstore. Oh, my. Can we say lack of sleep? And crabby? But at least he can come home for dinner in between!

Everyone says it's about time he picked up the slack. That this is just fair for what I've had to put in as far as work this past year. But I don't know. I liked working. I hated not seeing the kids for a couple of days at a time, but I liked what I was doing. Yes, it was stressful with the lack of money and such. But God will always provide, and did always provide.

I guess I'm trying to say that I'm sorry this is happening to him. The whole "burning the candle at both ends" thing. I've been there. I know it's not fun. I wish it didn't have to be this way. He'll miss the kids trick-or-treating again this year. I don't think he's been with us the past 2 or 3 years. Oh, well. Maybe next year.

Happy Halloween everyone!

And the beat goes on

I have been trying to get B-rex to bed for the last 50 minutes. This is now a nightly thing. He just does NOT want to go to sleep. I don't know what the deal is! Guess I should have said no Power Rangers tonight. But I though he'd be so tired, he would go right to sleep! So wrong!

Cheese is doing okay. his little butt is so red and raw. He's even bleeding a little in a couple of spots. We're putting the medicine on it, but there is only so much that will do. He's back in pull-ups, since he doesn't always know when the poop is coming. And then he doesn't tell anyone that he went. By the time we notice, or he decides to come clean, it's been sitting there for a while. And it's dried up half the time. And we have to scrub his little booty to get it all off. With wipes. Or with a wet washcloth. And it is just taking a toll on him. He screamed so this morning, it broke my heart. Poor kid.

Hubs is at work again tonight. I can't really complain, since the only time I get to write is when he's not here. Yesterday, he forgot about a really important church meeting he had with the District Superintendent. I don't know what that will mean in the long run. I'm sure nothing good. I mean, she's like his BOSS. His Earthly boss anyway. I do NOT want to be around this weekend for the fallout from that one. I wonder what they do to punish pastors?

Week 9 at work is done. Only 27 more to go. Not that I'm counting or anything. I've not had a voice the past 2 days. That's been fun. It wouldn't have been so bad, but my "voice amplification system", AKA a microphone and speakers, doesn't work. Hasn't worked all year, except for the 30 seconds the installer guy was testing it. Then it promptly broke. Sure could have used it to spare my voice a couple of times with some of those little darlings. They can be such a pain in the gluteus! I'd really like to take a couple of them out of class and just let them have it, but I know their mommies and daddies would take offense at that. Of course, if they would bother to parent the children, it wouldn't be a problem anyway. Too much leeway, that's the problem.

All day workshop tomorrow. I'm going to learn the basics of speaking Latin. After all these years!

Sick and Tired

Oh, yeah. B-rex came home from the in-laws last week with a cold. We medicated his little butt right up, the FDA be damned. But he still wanted to share, and share he has with his mommy. It hit Sunday afternoon with sniffles. Then Monday, all day, chills and stuffiness. Today, it was coughing and a monster headache. Three Tylenol later, here I am. At least it wasn't as bad as that migraine last spring that knocked me out!

The last couple weeks have been pretty eventful. Cheese had his colostomy reversed and was in the hospital for almost a week. He and I took a week to play hookey last week and recuperate. It was such fun! He is really a cool little guy for a 5-year-old. We went out to lunch a couple of times, and went to the grocery store, and kid-shopping. What great times! I hope he always remembers how much fun Mom is, even when he hates me as a teenager.

B-rex and I spent the week before together. Hubs had gone with Cheese to the hospital. So I went to work every day, then B-rex and I would hang out in the evenings. It was also pretty awesome! We got to read books, watch movies, just have some one-on-one time. Second children don't get as much of that, so I'm so thankful that I got to spend some time with him. Sweet! Then last week, he went to stay with the in-laws, so as not to try and play rough with his big brother. He came home on Wednesday, had his THIRD birthday on Thursday, then started speech on Friday. What a week!

Hubs went to MUSC with Cheese, then came home for a night, then went to Duke for Pastor's school. He came home on Wednesday, but went right back to work on Thursday. No vacation and spending quality time for us. Oh, well. He went back to his counselor today, who has declared that his counselling sessions are done. He's all better! Or, at least he is able to function well with his meds. He doesn't have to go back unless he has a relapse. He's been doing pretty well lately, though. I hope this is behind us for now. I guess the real test will be when he goes back to school next fall. But we'll cross that bridge later.

Hmm... I guess that's about it. Other than being sick, I'm doing fine. Tired, as always. I'm trying to get caught up with grading all the papers from last week. I love being home with my boys, but I hate all the paperwork I have to leave for my cherubs so they'll stay mostly out of trouble. Grades are due on Friday, and I have a TON of stuff left to do. Oh, well. I finished all I wanted to tonight, so that's good. I can concentrate on other stuff tomorrow.

Overwhlemed

I feel like I've been running around in circles for the past few days. School has been terrible. Home life has seemed nonexistent. I have been completely foul.

I'm not sure what is going on. I'm frustrated by school. I'm "teaching" this online Latin course, and it is taking up oodles of my time. Yes, I'm being compensated a bit ($100 per student), but I am not going to see that money till the end of the semester. And it occurred to me on the way home tonight that I'm really doing all this work, which is the work of a full-time teacher, for free right now. And even when I do get paid for it, it's a measly $100 per student. For an entire semester's worth of work. And yes, the online course is already made, but it is not up to par. I have to move stuff around, add my own notes and powerpoints, grade the online assignments, give extra assignments, come up with projects, and grade all of it. For a measly $100 per kid! I think I will be talking to our contact at the D.O. tomorrow. This is ridiculous!

And things at home are not great. We are still broke. I thought it would be better once Hubs got a job. But we still can't make ends meet. I'm going to have him begging for money again tomorrow, because we don't get paid till next week. And I still haven't paid the car insurance, or my student loans. And his student loans are overdue by a couple of months. And most of our bills are being paid late, which is messing up our credit even further. And I don't know what else to do! I can't see where the problem is!

And Cheese is getting ready to have surgery again. The colostomy reversal is set for Oct. 1. Which means Hubs won't be working at all that week. And I'll have to take off the next week when he's at Duke for continuing ed stuff. Cheese will not be ready yet to go back to school I think. We still have to talk to the school to see if Cheese will be able to stay in his preschool program, since one of the requirements is that he be fully potty trained. And once they reconnect everything "down there", he will not have full bowel control for a while. Possibly up to a year, or maybe not ever really.

Can you say stress?

And tomorrow morning, B-rex has an appointment for evaluation by the school district's speech therapy people. At least that's free.

I just feel like I'm in a free fall. I have no idea where the bottom is, but I don't want to know, because it's going to hurt when I hit. I don't know how much longer Hubs and I can make it like this, with all the money stuff. I know I'm supposed to give it all over to God, and He will provide. And I'm trying, really I am. But it's so hard. And it doesn't really help me sleep at night. My doc said she'd give me a prescription for that (sleeping), but I can't afford to fill it anyway. What are we going to do?

The good news is, I've lost 33 pounds through Weight Watchers now. Still some more to go, but this feels nice. On the down side, most of my clothes are not fitting anymore. I can't afford to buy new ones, so I'm trying to belt them up. Sometimes it works, sometimes it looks stupid. Oh, well.

New appreciations

Hubs has finally come upon a new appreciation of my total exhaustion during the winter months. When I was working at the bookstore while holding down a full-time job and raising two children and taking care of the house and clothing. He started working at my old bookstore. I had to quit when school started back. He has closed 2 nights in a row now, and has not gotten home before midnight.

He said that he napped all morning today, after a particularly busy evening. I didn't want to say anything, for fear of starting a fight, but REALLY! When I was working there, I had to get up at 5 in the morning so that I could get to teaching school on time. In the dead of winter. And I still picked the kids up from school. I would come home long enough to grab a sandwich or something, then head to work. I didn't get a nap. Ever.

I'm glad he finally understands that it was hard on me. Well, he's beginning to understand. I don't think he will ever truly appreciate the difficulty. Just goes to show, women are much stronger than men in the ways that count.

In other news, B-rex is pooping in the potty occasionally. All the moms out there know what a big deal that is! Yay!!!

And Cheese is like a different kid at school this year. He's been an absolute angel. No bad reports at all! His partner in crime/best friend from last year is now in kindergarten. Spreading havoc wherever he goes. At least he is not corrupting my sweet angel baby anymore.

Something weird is going on. The kids are asleep. I'm at the computer. Oh, yeah, Hubs is not home. This week, Hubs has gone away. He is participating in Salkehatchie Summer Service. If you have not heard of this, it is a wonderful mission opportunity.

Basically, a group of adults and youth (mostly youth) go out into a community and fix up houses. The catch is, these are very NEEDY houses. Many of them have holes in the walls/floors/roofs. They have no air or heat. They have water that doesn't work. These homes are also usually full of people. One at their camp this year has about 11 people living in it. I have seen the "before" photos, and they are often horrific. It is sad and scary to think that people actually live in conditions like these for extended time.

This year, the Calhoun County Camp is servicing about 5 houses, I think. They do all this using donated items such as used mattresses, sinks, stoves, refrigerators, etc. They paint walls, install fans, lay carpet, and change lives. It happens from Sunday (today) until Friday. It's like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, only without all the money and camera crews. The volunteers stay in the local middle school. Their food is provided by local churches. They pay $200 a person for the privilege of participating.

This is Hubs' 5th year, I believe. Every year, this camp falls on my birthday week. (It's tomorrow, by the way.) Do mind that he misses my big day? Not much. The fact that he is out there, making the world a little bit better for a needy family makes it okay.

I miss him already. It is lonely in this house without him, even with the kids. They cannot make up for the large cold spot in the bed.

By the way, I ate way to much tonight at Mom's. Why is it that whenever I go over there, I feel the need to eat everything in sight? Ugh!

155.7

I have met my 10% Weight Watchers goal! YES!!!

I have been so good. Even after a weekend of home cooking and lemon pound cake. (Man, that stuff was good!) I still managed to lose weight!

This has been a good week. Hubs has been "officially" diagnosed with ADHD. That would not seem like a good thing, except that now we know how to work on getting him better. He is supposed to be starting some medication soon, that will help him stay more focused.

I led our Beth Moore study tonight. It was fun! I have been feeling a call toward leading a Bible study at our new church, so I wanted to try out leading with friends. I think it went well. I was thinking about a study of Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. It is such a good book! It has really made me look at my life and trying to find more balance between "doing" and "sitting". I am definitely a doer. What mom isn't? But I need to try and take more time to just sit and learn, and be with Jesus.

Only 3 more days till Disney World!!!! I think I may be even more excited than the kids. I know how awesome it is, so I have more anticipation!!!

OOPS

I may have neglected to mention that Sunday was also our anniversary. Our seventh anniversary. Yay!

We didn't do anything special. In fact, we didn't do anything at all together except attend church. When we got home, Hubs ate lunch then fell asleep due to not getting home from the Braves game until nearly 3 a.m. He napped for about 3 hours, then got up in time to play with the boys for a little bit until it was time for youth group. When he got home, it was time to put the boys to bed. Then we sat and watched TV for a while, then both fell asleep on the couch.

Oh, the excitement!

So! I decided we needed to celebrate. After all, seven years is a big deal to me! I arranged for a babysitter. I picked her up on my way home from the bookstore on Monday. We also picked up a pizza. The sitter and I walked in the door, and Hubs' jaw dropped! I told him that we (he and I) were going out! So I took him out to Carraba's for dinner.

(We are really, really broke. But I had found 2 gift cards from students that totalled about $35. I figured we could both eat on that. And if were not for the beer and wine, we would have.)

It was nice. We got to really talk at dinner, instead of just trying to convince two little boys to eat. Instead of playing "blast off" and "airplane" and "train" with forks in order to bribe them to eat. Instead of picking food up off the floor. Instead of washing dishes.

Grown up conversation. We talked about how his first counselling session went. It was good. He has a second one next Tuesday. And today we got a letter from the insurance saying that they would cover his doctor visits! YES! I was a little concerned about that. Like I said, we are BROKE.

Anyway, it was a lovely evening. We still are not back where we were before all the breaking news, but we are at least sitting at the same table. It is going to take some time before I am able to trust him completely again. That's okay. The things we work for are the things that mean the most to us, right?

And tomorrow, BabyNet is coming to talk to us about our goals for Bman's speech therapy. At 8:30 a.m.!!! Um, I'd like for people outside of Hubs and me to be able to understand him. Duh!

A much better day

It was, oh, it was! Finally, we are seeing some progress. I wasn't so sure earlier, especially last week. Yes, Hubs went to meet with Kevin. So that was something. But he hadn't remembered to call the doctor to make his appointment. Then he did it. And he went. And he came home with Lexapro.

I know all is not healed with anti-depressants. But he also has an appointment with a counselor on Monday afternoon. And this morning, he told me that he is committed to finding out what is causing "this" and fixing it. Or at least figuring out what it is so that I can see it coming. Yay! This is 7 years in the making. I am so thankful that he has decided this is something important. It has been taking its toll on our marriage.

It has also affected the children. Cheeseman asked me the other day why daddy is always so mean. Why he yells all the time. And I had to try to explain in 4-year-old words that it's not Daddy's fault. He's just sad. Luckily, and this sounds bad, Hubs' grandmother had just passed, so Cheeseman thought I meant sad because Grama died. Well, it made sense to him, so I let it go. But it really hit home. He had noticed a change in his dad, and he wanted to know what was going on. I also had to emphasize that Daddy loves him very much, even if he seems mad sometimes. It nearly broke my heart.

But today, today was good. Hubs and I have been walking/running in the mornings, before the heat really kicks in. We all went to the grocery store together, which is always an adventure. I don't think we came home with anything NOT on the list, which is a miracle. We stopped at McD's for the kids to get Happy Meals. New Surf's Up toys! We tried to have naptime, but neither Cheeseman nor Bman was having that. I did my Bible study while they had "quiet" time. (HA!)

This afternoon, we went to the mall to buy Hubs some new swim trunks for VACATION!! We also bought him a grill for Father's Day. Unfortunately, it won't be here till the 29th, but he can dream about it until then. We've already started planning our first party.

I cooked dinner tonight, Tuna Noodle Casserole, the WW way. It was YUMMY, and only 6 points. Then we all went for a walk together around the block. The boys desperately need a bath, but it's such a pain! Hubs has gone to a movie with my little brother and our bro-in-law. Boys night and all that. Weenie. Left me to bathe the chilrens. Oh, well.

It was still an awesome day!!

I Mean Really!

How hard is it to push some toys out of the middle of the floor?

If you are four and two, obviously it is very hard. Especially if your daddy doesn't make you.

If you are the daddy, VERY, VERY HARD, because you'd rather sit on your lazy ass and not do anything. When I got home from work (back at the bookstore, yay!), the living room was a mess. It immediately irritated me. Hubs was asleep on the couch, as usual. I woke him up and he apologized for the mess. He always apologizes. If I wanted an apology, I would ask for one. Instead, I asked for him to just push the mess out of the way. He says he "meant" to clean it up, and just sat down to rest for a minute. That's why he was LAYING down. He obviously didn't notice when he fell over asleep.

And the kids didn't get a bath either, even though they'd been over playing at a friend's house for the afternoon.

My God! Do I have to do everything around here?

And now he's gone back to sleep on the couch. Mess is still there. As usual. I'll be the one to clean it up, because I have no patience for this bullshit.

I mean, really. Seriously. This is about ridiculous!

Better day?

Today was a better day, vacation-wise. I got to go for a walk this morning. I only ran for 8 minutes today, but I walked for an additional 30 "briskly" so that was good. Then Cheeseman and I went to Wal-Mart to get a present for his buddy. He's going to the party tomorrow afternoon, so it was a good thing. And we picked out some more flowers for the front of the house. Hubs wanted to hang them tonight (the flowers), but we didn't have any hooks. Oh well, maybe later this week.

Cheeseman didn't want to eat much at lunch today, barely half his grilled cheese. Which is usually his favorite. He did eat a lot of Doritos though. That's his new thing - Doritos. Whatever! This afternoon, Cheeseman, Hubs, and I went to Baskin Robbins. Yes, I know, the diet. But it's okay! Sugar Free ice cream is the way to go. All the taste, with not near as much fat! Yippee! Only 4 points.

Then we went to the grocery store. Doesn't sound to exciting, but it was fun. Hubs pushed the racecar cart, and I did the navigating. We are trying to eat healthier. Most of the cart was filled with fruits, veggies, and whole wheat selections. Yay us! Tonight, we had salmon and the most awesome pesto rotini ever! It was seriously yummy! We even went for a walk together as a family after dinner. And the kids went straight to bed, not too much fussing. Usually, Bman gets up once or twice trying to escape bedtime. Only opened his door once. Turns out he just wanted Mommy to come in and sing to him. Such a sweetie!

Hubs went and met with our pastor today. He (Hubs) has suffered from depression at times. When we first got married, we didn't live in the same place for the first six months. I was here teaching, and he was finishing his last semester of school. At least, that was what he was supposed to be doing. Instead, he was going to movies, driving around aimlessly, basically just wasting days. When he finally sat down and told me, it was frightening. He went on an antidepressant and had some counselling. Then he moved down here with me, and everything was fine.

This spring, unbeknownst to me, this depression came back. I had noticed some off behavior, sleeping on the couch every night, and I asked him about it. He said nothing was wrong. Then, a couple of days later, he confessed. He hadn't been to class in a week. That was in April. Evidently, there were other times when he just couldn't get himself to go. His grades were not good. He was already on probation academically, and the seminary told him to take a year off. To get help and get straightened out.

It has been frightening. Again. And this time, there are two other little people to think about. It has not been a good time around here. Every day, I asked him how his classes were. Many times, he lied to me and made up stuff. I feel so betrayed! How can I believe anything that he says? I feel like I need to check up after him, make sure he's done what he's telling me. Like calling the doctor. Like going to talk to Kevin. But I'm not his mom! That is not what marriage is about, keeping watch like a hawk. It's supposed to be about trust and respect and love. I'm not really feeling those things on my end.

And I'm concerned about him continuing on this path. He's got an appointment to be a part-time pastor at a church about an hour and a half from here. Basically, we go up there on weekends, and he does his thing. The district office is okay with him going on and doing this. I have some reserve feelings. How can he pastor others if he can't even take care of himself? Doesn't he need to focus on him, and getting himself better?

And yes, truth be told, I don't really want to leave our church. Not at all. But I'm mostly thinking of him. He says that this is just what he needs to see if this pastoring thing is his calling. Isn't there another way? Wouldn't the failing grades and lack of motivation be an indicator?

Also, I'm pissed. Mad at him for lieing to me. Mad at me for not seeing it. Mad at him, because I've been working my ass off all year. And for what? For him to dick around and not go to class? I think not! I have neglected my children and not put them to bed for 3 nights, not even seen them for 72 hours, so he can skip class?! That makes me angry. AND, now that he has added at least one, if not two, more years to his schooling, that is more time that I have to spend in hell. Teaching. How could he do that to me?

But it's not all about me. It should be about him. About getting him better. About fixing this thing that's wrong. But I'm still allowed to feel these things, right? I can still be angry, and hurt, about what has happened. I just can't say anything about it.

My dirty little secret

If I write it, it will be real. I told Shannon tonight, because I really just need someone to talk to. I have no one. I'm here, I'm all alone. I have no one to talk to. I told Shannon.

Hubs has been sleeping on the couch all week. Not because I made him. Because he doesn't come to bed because he's "not tired." Then he falls asleep. T

he one time I woke him up to come to bed, he tossed and turned for 45 minutes then went back and slept on the couch.

Every morning, I wake up to the living room light on. The TV on. Sometimes a kitchen light on. Sometimes the front door still unlocked.

I feel like my marriage is in trouble. He doesn't see it. He doesn't see that I am bothered by this. I'm scared to say anything to him, because I don't want to get into another fight.

He won't even be home tonight at all. He's off with the youth group on a Lock Out. Then he has to work the lunch shift at the restaurant. So he'll be home (maybe) to shower before 10, then not again until after 4. Then he'll sleep and sleep and sleep. Bet he'll sleep in the bed then.

Do we need counselling? I wouldn't even know where to look. Should I talk to my pastor again? He knows that Hubs and I are having issues. He keeps saying 'I've got to talk to him' but he hasn't yet. I don't know what to do. I'm so embarrassed.

Am I so repulsive that he can't stand to be in the same room as me? He hasn't tried to touch me in almost 2 weeks. He's never been like that! What is going on?

I cry on the way to work sometimes, I'm so depressed. What do I do?

ch-ch-ch-changes

I'm trying so hard not to think. When I think, I feel. And when I feel, I cry. It's like something has dropped out of me. Like my chest is hollow, but still full of something. Something big and heavy. And it hurts me.

What is giong on? Last night, he was in tears wondering if being a pastor iswhat he really wants to do. He hadn't been to classesin nearly a week. Skipping because he felt overwhelmed. Like he was too far behind and wouldn't ever be able to get caught up again. He didn't wantto tell me. He'd flat out lied to me about it the other day. I knew something was wrong, and I kept asking him and asking hem, but he said it was nothing. Turns out it was something.

It's the depression again, I'm almost sure ofit. He feelsdisconnected from the churhc. Disconnected from us, his family. Disconnected from God. We haven't been worshipping together in a few months because of his internship assignment. He's had to go somewhere else every week for church. It's been hard. On all of us. Even Cheeseman wants to know why Daddy isn't going to church with us.

The breakdown came last night. He told me right before we left for Holy Grounds. Said he hasn't been going to classes all week. He wonders if this is really what he is supposed to be doing. Wonders if maybe he should not do the MDiv for ordination. That's fine. As long as he finishes the semester. We've put so much into this. He was going to talk to his professors about getting caught up. He was going to talk to Pastor Kevin about his calling.

Instead, our DS (the local head pastor guy) calls this morning offerring a student pastorship of a church about an hour from our house. It comes with a parsonage. Hubs has an hour to decide. He calls me, and my first instinct is to say no. It's too far, I can't commute that far every morning at 6:30 to be at work on time. Hubs tells him it is just not feasible right now. I can't commute, can't quit my job, it's not gonna happen.

So the DS calls back later in the day and offers him a student pastorship of a church which (I think) is even farther away. In some town I've never even heard of, and I've lived in this area for 16 years now. He'll have to do services on Sundays, and be available Saturdays and for funerals and stuff. I told him to do whatever he wanted.

What a mistake.

He said yes.

Now, I have to leave my home church. My friends. My singing. The kids Sunday school classes and friends. And it makes me want to die inside.

I know that as a pastor's wife, this is my life. Every few years, some DS is going to call us up and say it's time to move on. But you're never really ready for it. And I thought I had a couple more years until it was time. That I could mentally prepare. Extract myself from stuff so it wouldn't be so bad.

Who was I kidding? I don't want to ever leave our church. That is our family! And I know, consciously that God is everywhere, and we will meet perfectly nice people somewhere else, maybe in that new church, but it doesn't make the hurt stop.

It would be different if we were picking up and leaving. Really moving. Then we wouldn't have to still see people. Still drive past the church. Still feel the emptiness. We could make a clean break. I didn't do so well with this the last time, when we went to that church in Camden. I still wanted to be with my old friends. And being with them made the not being there hurt that much worse.

What am I going to do?

More sick...

If you are visiting from the Ultimate Blog Party, my party post is here. Otherwise, keep reading. Well, keep reading anyway.

Last week, Bennett was sick. He was sick Monday night, stayed home with Hubs on Tuesday. Was fine all day. And Wednesday. Got sick again Wed. night. Stayed home with Hubs on Thursday. Was fine all day. Ate lots and is all better.

Cheeseman got sick this morning. Thank God I was already at work. He had to stay home with Hubs today. Hubs missed classes. Oops. But I'm being the good little wifey and staying home tomorrow.

It is such a pain in the tush to get a sub for school! I had to make idiot-proof lesson plans, find my roll sheets, make copies, lock up all my personal stuff. Ugh! Just so that I can stay home with a sick baby.

Who is feeling fine and asking for ice cream, by the way. I say NO WAY!

My mom came and got Bennett for the evening. She took him out to her house to walk Chico (her new Chihuahua?) (how the hell do you spell that anyway?) Then to San Jose for dinner. Because if he gets the stomach bug again, I want to see Mexican food come back up. Geez!

Hubs is at the restaurant, waiting tables. Did I mention they've "trained" him to work the bar? It's all about the perfect head on a beer. And the correct amount of wine in a glass. That's all they sell as far as bar items. It took him THREE HOURS to train on Saturday. I could do that in 10 minutes! Oh, well. He was getting paid.

Anyway, my throat hurts, nose is stuffy, I'm coughing. I'm going to eat some Oreo ice cream to make it all better. I should probably do my Bible study while I'm at it. It's a Beth Moore study. If you haven't tried her, she is AWESOME!

3 Goals!!!

Cheeseman scored three goals! THREE GOALS!!! He was the star of the team!!! And the grin on his face.... OH MAN! I am one proud momma! He's such an awesome kid!!! I am talking and thinking in exclamations!! Yay Cheeseman!!

I'll post pics once I get them off the camera which is in the diaper bag which is with the in-laws who came to the game then took the kids for the afternoon.

As a side note, Hubs will soon be a bartender at local eatery where he's been waiting tables. Yes, a future pastor serving alcohol. Does anyone else find this funny? He wants to "contribute more" to the household. Such a guy!

First week of homebound went well. I made $80 in only 4 hours. And I tucked my babies into bed 6 nights in a row! Yippee!!!

edited: Check out my boy playing soccer!!

Photo and video editing at onetruemedia.com