Friday, June 01, 2007

Better day?

Today was a better day, vacation-wise. I got to go for a walk this morning. I only ran for 8 minutes today, but I walked for an additional 30 "briskly" so that was good. Then Cheeseman and I went to Wal-Mart to get a present for his buddy. He's going to the party tomorrow afternoon, so it was a good thing. And we picked out some more flowers for the front of the house. Hubs wanted to hang them tonight (the flowers), but we didn't have any hooks. Oh well, maybe later this week.

Cheeseman didn't want to eat much at lunch today, barely half his grilled cheese. Which is usually his favorite. He did eat a lot of Doritos though. That's his new thing - Doritos. Whatever! This afternoon, Cheeseman, Hubs, and I went to Baskin Robbins. Yes, I know, the diet. But it's okay! Sugar Free ice cream is the way to go. All the taste, with not near as much fat! Yippee! Only 4 points.

Then we went to the grocery store. Doesn't sound to exciting, but it was fun. Hubs pushed the racecar cart, and I did the navigating. We are trying to eat healthier. Most of the cart was filled with fruits, veggies, and whole wheat selections. Yay us! Tonight, we had salmon and the most awesome pesto rotini ever! It was seriously yummy! We even went for a walk together as a family after dinner. And the kids went straight to bed, not too much fussing. Usually, Bman gets up once or twice trying to escape bedtime. Only opened his door once. Turns out he just wanted Mommy to come in and sing to him. Such a sweetie!

Hubs went and met with our pastor today. He (Hubs) has suffered from depression at times. When we first got married, we didn't live in the same place for the first six months. I was here teaching, and he was finishing his last semester of school. At least, that was what he was supposed to be doing. Instead, he was going to movies, driving around aimlessly, basically just wasting days. When he finally sat down and told me, it was frightening. He went on an antidepressant and had some counselling. Then he moved down here with me, and everything was fine.

This spring, unbeknownst to me, this depression came back. I had noticed some off behavior, sleeping on the couch every night, and I asked him about it. He said nothing was wrong. Then, a couple of days later, he confessed. He hadn't been to class in a week. That was in April. Evidently, there were other times when he just couldn't get himself to go. His grades were not good. He was already on probation academically, and the seminary told him to take a year off. To get help and get straightened out.

It has been frightening. Again. And this time, there are two other little people to think about. It has not been a good time around here. Every day, I asked him how his classes were. Many times, he lied to me and made up stuff. I feel so betrayed! How can I believe anything that he says? I feel like I need to check up after him, make sure he's done what he's telling me. Like calling the doctor. Like going to talk to Kevin. But I'm not his mom! That is not what marriage is about, keeping watch like a hawk. It's supposed to be about trust and respect and love. I'm not really feeling those things on my end.

And I'm concerned about him continuing on this path. He's got an appointment to be a part-time pastor at a church about an hour and a half from here. Basically, we go up there on weekends, and he does his thing. The district office is okay with him going on and doing this. I have some reserve feelings. How can he pastor others if he can't even take care of himself? Doesn't he need to focus on him, and getting himself better?

And yes, truth be told, I don't really want to leave our church. Not at all. But I'm mostly thinking of him. He says that this is just what he needs to see if this pastoring thing is his calling. Isn't there another way? Wouldn't the failing grades and lack of motivation be an indicator?

Also, I'm pissed. Mad at him for lieing to me. Mad at me for not seeing it. Mad at him, because I've been working my ass off all year. And for what? For him to dick around and not go to class? I think not! I have neglected my children and not put them to bed for 3 nights, not even seen them for 72 hours, so he can skip class?! That makes me angry. AND, now that he has added at least one, if not two, more years to his schooling, that is more time that I have to spend in hell. Teaching. How could he do that to me?

But it's not all about me. It should be about him. About getting him better. About fixing this thing that's wrong. But I'm still allowed to feel these things, right? I can still be angry, and hurt, about what has happened. I just can't say anything about it.

1 comment:

Sayre said...

Feelings are feelings. Not judgments. Everyone has feelings that they don't think they can own up to but should. Does your husband know how angry you are? How his lack of truthfulness is hurting your future together?

It's hard to throw your total support behind someone who doesn't appreciate your sacrifices, especially when they don't appear to be even making an effort to deserve your support.

But those are feelings.

The real issues here are his depression, which he can't help without intervention, your anger and tiredness, the health and well-being of your children, and the health and well-being of your marriage. Everything seems sick right now, but together you can make everything well again.

But he has to do his part.

I hope you and he can do some kind of counseling. You both need a safe place to express your feelings and a moderator to keep it from getting ugly. Because it probably will. You have a lot stored up and we don't even KNOW what's in his head.

Take care of yourself, Mama C. Better days are coming!