Tuesday, February 27, 2007

HE SCORES!

My Cheeseman played in his first soccer game this weekend. He scored a GOALLLLLLL! If you click the link on his name, you can watch his score. He was so excited. It's all he talked about all weekend. He's a natural. He gets it from me!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

And so it is done...

The bookseller era. I did it. Today. I called and told Tom that I'm through. I just can't take the hours anymore. And not seeing the boys for three straight days. And being bone tired every day of the week. Never being able to catch up on my sleep. Not grading papers for a week.

Well, that will probably still continue.

When I told Josh last night, the first thing he did was offer me more money to stay. But I think he realized it was hopeless when I told him that I could cut my hours in half and still make enough doing homebound. I did tell Tom to keep me on the books for the summer. I'd hate to never be able to come back.

I still feel like a little part of me is dead. I really loved working at that bookstore. I liked working with all those weird people. People who are smart and funny and not afraid to be different. It was such a melting pot. Do you know, in all the jobs I've had, all the places I've worked, I've never before worked in an environment where I truly liked all the people I've worked with. Just there.

I will truly miss being there. Thank you, bookstore. For everything.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Ramblings of a Tired Mom

They don't tell you it's going to be like this. This constant frustration. The compelling need to hit someone, something. Like you're going to explode if you don't get it out. No one talks about this.

How sometimes, you just want to scream. Or run away. Somewhere the little demons can't find you. You get so fed up.

You lock yourself in your room with the lights off. You can hear them in the other room, playing. Hitting each other. You hear one scream, but then it stops. He's okay. You hear banging, but figure if they aren't screaming it's okay.

You just can't take it.

How long can I go on like this? Working three days a week after school until 10 pm. Then getting up at 5 am the next morning and teaching all day. Something's gotta give.

I've been looking at doing homebound instruction. You know, helping kids who can't - for whatever reason - make it to school each day. We are bound, by law, to provide services for them. It pays $20 an hour. Which is almost 3 times what I make at the bookstore. Which means I could do this 6 hours total a week and make what I'm working my ass off for now. It makes sense. Why would I not do this?

Because I love being at the store. I really like the people I'm working with. And I'm scared I won't know enough. What if I have to instruct some kid in Calculus? Chemistry? Physics? French? I don't know that stuff. I would be worthless. At the bookstore, I'm never worthless. I know most of the answers. I'm hot stuff there. I'm the one they turn to when they need their card percentages up. Stick me on a register and let me go.

Why can't I give it up?

And now I'm home. The demons are finally in bed. I'm drinking wine. It tastes good. I need to relax. I'd take a bath, but I'm afraid I'll fall asleep. Maybe I'll just read. From the large stack of books next to the bed. I do work at a bookstore you know.