Friday, May 04, 2007

My dirty little secret

If I write it, it will be real. I told Shannon tonight, because I really just need someone to talk to. I have no one. I'm here, I'm all alone. I have no one to talk to. I told Shannon.

Hubs has been sleeping on the couch all week. Not because I made him. Because he doesn't come to bed because he's "not tired." Then he falls asleep. T

he one time I woke him up to come to bed, he tossed and turned for 45 minutes then went back and slept on the couch.

Every morning, I wake up to the living room light on. The TV on. Sometimes a kitchen light on. Sometimes the front door still unlocked.

I feel like my marriage is in trouble. He doesn't see it. He doesn't see that I am bothered by this. I'm scared to say anything to him, because I don't want to get into another fight.

He won't even be home tonight at all. He's off with the youth group on a Lock Out. Then he has to work the lunch shift at the restaurant. So he'll be home (maybe) to shower before 10, then not again until after 4. Then he'll sleep and sleep and sleep. Bet he'll sleep in the bed then.

Do we need counselling? I wouldn't even know where to look. Should I talk to my pastor again? He knows that Hubs and I are having issues. He keeps saying 'I've got to talk to him' but he hasn't yet. I don't know what to do. I'm so embarrassed.

Am I so repulsive that he can't stand to be in the same room as me? He hasn't tried to touch me in almost 2 weeks. He's never been like that! What is going on?

I cry on the way to work sometimes, I'm so depressed. What do I do?


missy said...

This is my first visit to your blog and I hope you don't mind me weighing in on such a personal post, but I wanted to take a minute to encourage you. I do understand. My hubby sleeps on the couch from time to time because of his snoring, which I know is a bit different from your situation, but it still bothers me---even when I am the one who told him to get down there!

Can I just say that, even though I don't know all the details, it doesn't seem like it is about your marriage specifically. In a previous post you mentioned you think your hubby is depressed. Sounds like that may be the sleeping issue to me. I've been depressed many times in my life and it is hard to sleep. When I get really bad, the only way I can get to sleep is by watching tv. If I lay still without the tv on, I start to think too much and toss and turn and am generally miserable. That may be why you wake up and the tv is on, lights are on, ect.

Please be patient with him. Depression is hard and you can't really help someone who is going through one, except to love them unconditionally and pray for them really hard. And DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! You may be more of a help to him than you realize.

Maybe the next time you wake up in the middle of the night and he's down on the couch, go make a bed on the floor beside it. When he wakes and finds you there, maybe it will help to know you love him so much you'll be uncomfortable to just be near him.

Hope this helped and didn't come across the wrong way---you know, nosy. I'll say a prayer for you and your hubby right after I post this, okay???

Sayre said...

Hey, Mama C - heavy stuff. Missy may be on to something, but counseling may help too. Even if he doesn't go, you should, just so you can talk about it and maybe work out some strategies for dealing with your stresses.

Just look in the phone book. Or ask your pastor if he has anyone that he recommends. Another source might be your doctor.

Some places will see you on a sliding scale too, so if you guys are on a tight budget, that would help.

It is sad and frustrating when you feel like your marriage is in trouble - but if you feel that way, it obviously needs SOME kind of attention.

I'll say a little prayer for you and your husband. Take care of yourself!