A Mother's Heart

Today, my heart is hurting. I have been praying for the town of Newtown, CT, since I first heard the terrible news this morning. A gunman. In an elementary school. Children dead.

I cannot even begin to fathom the pain of those parents, grandparents, and friends. I only know that as a mom, this is a nightmare. This is the dream that you have over and over, that you've lost your little one.

When I saw the news today (thanks, Twitter), my heartbeat doubled up. I live in South Carolina. Connecticut is far away. I'm not even sure how many states lie between CT and SC. Really. Geography is not my thing.

I knew, intellectually, that my children were safe at their school. My heart, though, was fearful. Because if it could happen there, what is keeping it from happening here? What makes their school so different from Sandy Hook?

The answer? Nothing.

And that's what made me hug my boys as I picked them up from school today, when they first climbed in. My 10-year-old cringed and pulled away. My 8-year-old hugged back, because he's not to the embarrassed stage yet. In my heart, and even in my head, I knew that it could so easily be them.

My boys are what I like to call high spirited. They play hard, they fight hard. And they have been fighting hard since they got home. I don't want to yell at them. Not today, when so many other mother's would give ANYTHING to be able to yell, just one more time, at their own little ones.

Since then, I have been crying, imagining what those mom's in Newtown must be feeling. The giant hole in their hearts that can never be filled. The missing sound of their little one's laughter. The empty bed, the empty booster seat in the car, the empty spot at the table. Nothing, for them, will ever be the same.

From one mom, to the moms of Newtown, CT, I pray for you. My heart goes out to you. You will never know me. But I grieve with you and for you. May God be with you.

May God be with all of us. 

Free Writing

I went to a conference this week. I wasn't sure what to expect from the Education and Business Summit, since I'm not a business teacher. My step-mom was skeptical too, but I did manage to come away with some good ideas for things to do in my classroom.

One of my favorite sessions was "Which Disney Character Are You?". I am a Disney girl. I have been a fan since I was little. However, I'm not a big Princess person. Maybe I've always been a tomboy at heart. My favorite Disney character was, is, and shall always be Winnie the Pooh, or Pooh for short. He is a bear of "very little brain", but he has a heart that is larger than anyone else's. The presenter, Ms. Flowers, asked us to think about Disney characters and their leadership. She used examples (movie clips!!) from Toy Story (Woody), Up (Ellie), and Mulan (Mulan). We discussed their different leadership styles. I was really hoping for some kind of multiple-choice quiz, but was disappointed. Ah, well. We did get to watch movie clips, so that's a win in my book.

Another session that I really enjoyed was titled "Personal Narrative: Writing to Find a Career You Love". The presenter was again Ms. Flowers. And yes, I got her contact info, because she was GOOD! In this session, she gave us some information, and then gave us some instructions on how to do a free-write. It involved writing, without stopping, whatever came into our heads, whether it had to do with the topic or not. Not worrying about grammar, or punctuation, or spelling. What a great thing to tell students. We just want to get them writing.

At that point, she gave us a prompt and told us to write for ten minutes. My first thought was '10 minutes!? Is she crazy?' I couldn't imagine writing for that long, nonstop. The topic was "When I was six years old, I wanted to be..." I managed to write for the allotted ten minutes, without stopping. I wrote a whole page of notebook paper. I wished there had been more time, because the end kind of snuck up on me. Wow! Of course, my hand was terribly sore. It took several minutes for it to feel normal again. Then it was time for prompt #2: "Before I die, I really want to ..." If you'd like to see it, here you go:


Before I die, I really want to have one of those big anniversaries. I've been married for 12 years so far, which is not a terribly long time. I don't even mean 25 years, though that seems like a worthy goal. And that one isn't too far off, so it's too easy. I want to make it to 50, ideally to 75. I know that a lot of it has to do with how long I live, which I don't really know how long it will be. But my paternal grandparents celebrated their 50th Anniversary - silver - back in 1998. I remember  the big service in the church. My cousin Kelly gave a beautiful speech about how inspiration their marriage was to all 16 of us grand kids. There was a reception to celebrate afterwards. All of the family was there. Us from here in SC; my aunt and uncle from CO. It was a beautiful celebration. You could really tell that grandma & grandpa still loved each other. Not too long after that, Grandpa passed away. I will never forget the morning I got that call. Even though Grandma lived for several more years after that, it seemed like she was just doing time until she could join him.
My maternal grandparents celebrated their 50th too. What is it about that generation? Were they a special kind of people, or are we today missing something fundamental?


Anyway, I just wanted to share. I particularly liked this one, and again felt let down that the time had ended. I plan to keep editing that one, to make it something special. Wonder if I can come up with a topic to free write on with my students. For them six wasn't really that long ago, and they are too young to think about what to do before they die. Any suggestions? 

Good Week

I discovered this week that I am incredibly competitive. And proud.

Okay, so that's a lie. I already knew both of those things. I've been competitive since I was a little girl. I would compete with my little sister over anything. Really. It was kind of sad. Even our Barbies would compete for the Ken doll. As I got older, I noticed it more. My parents didn't exactly discourage this trait. If anything, they pushed more. Always get A's. Be the best. Why isn't that a 100%?

I will say, though, that at some point I took over the little voices in my head that were telling me to work harder. My best friend, Michelle, said that I was the one always pushing myself. I guess it was so ingrained by the time I hit high school, that I didn't know any other way to be.

But back to modern times, not 20 years ago (OMG! Almost 20 years!!), I am now coaching the girls soccer team at the school where I teach. And I have found that my competitive nature is alive and well. I don't want to just win the game. I want to crush the other team. When we played a tough team on Monday, my stomach was in knots the whole day. What if we lost?

Of course, I know it's just middle school soccer. In the grand scheme of things, it's okay to lose a game. And it's my first year as coach, so no one is expecting perfection. Except me. I'm expecting perfection.

So now I have a dilemma. How do I convey this this desire to win to my girls? But without putting too much pressure on them?

I seem to be doing okay so far. They are playing hard and well. They are working together, and I haven't heard any bad comments from parents. So I guess that's good.

But oh, the pride! We are currently ranked in 1st place. I want to tell everyone. I want the principal to get on the announcements and tell the school. I want to write it on the windows of my van! But I need to tone it down. I know that pride is bad, that it will inevitably lead to a loss. But I can't help it! I want them to continue to win. I want to continue to be #1 because it feels SO GOOD!

Life improvements

Things are not so bad here now. I have been in contact with a debt consolidation company, who is helping us to get out of the deep hole. Also, we had an unexpected help from my sweet, wonderful in-laws. (Who also bought us dinner one night!) Thanks!! For the help, and for my husband! So, I am not as stressed out about $$ as I was before. It feels nice. I'm still watching our accounts closely - don't think that I've gone crazy shopping or something. I'm just not contemplating robbing a bank anymore.

I went back to work offically today. We had in-service this morning. For those not in the school world, an in-service is when we get taught "new" things. We learned about bullying, inquiry (Good job Dana!), writing across the curriculum, and the differences between the sexes. Like we needed an in-service in that! I'm married, for goodness sake. I totally get that boys and girls (or men and women) are different. Also, I'm writing my Masters thesis on that, so I had been over all the research and such already. That's okay. Nancy and Kyle still did a good job.

Also, this afternoon, I got to sit down with a reporter from WLTX. I've been part of the beta group on a new website: SC Teacher Village. It's a social network, like FB, for teachers. A group of us has been using the site all summer, getting the "bugs" out. It is supposed to roll out this fall sometime. Anyway, one of the reporters came out to the STate Department and interviewed some folks. One of whom was ME!! So, I'm going to be watching the news tonight, instead of the Disney channel. I'm quite excited! As soon as I get a link to the story online, I'll share. I'd like everyone to be able to see my tv debut!

So, I'm going to go read some more of my book, Second Helpings by Megan McCafferty. I'd like to finish it sometime today...

Good morning!

Here we are, back in the hospital. So far, so good. Cheese had the surgery on Friday, and the doc said it all looked good.

Well, the nurse came in this morning and removed the gauze from Cheese's bottom. That's good. Now if he would just pass some gas. Once he does that, he will be allowed to have some liquids, then maybe some actual food! I know he would be glad for that. He's been a real trooper today. They just came in and weighed him: 41.5 pounds. That means he's lost 3.5 pounds since last week. Could it have something to do with the fact that he hasn't eaten real food since last Wednesday?

I finished (sort of) one of my papers last night! On my teaching philosophy. I still need to clean it up, and write my conclusion. But it's the right number of words, and just long enough. Yay! One down, two more to go. One is a reflection paper: Teaching is like... Hmmm... torture? J/K! I was thinking about doing a poster or a PPT instead of writing something. If I write, it has to be 500-700 words. If I do the other, there is no requirement. I hate this stuff.

Now, my bestest little sister is on her way over with some Zaxbys for me. She's awesome!

Those were the days

Oh for the days when B-rex would sleep late. I'm afraid we have him so conditioned to getting up early for school, that he now will wake up early on the weekends too! NOOOOOOOO! I loved that I could always count on B-rex to be a good LATE sleeper. Even as late as last weekend, he slept late. I was really looking forward to having some rest today. Oh well. Just more time to do the laundry.

Hubs and Cheese are still at the hospital. Cheese had his colostomy reversed and his colon reconnected to his rectum. Third time's the charm, right? I went to visit last night, and he seems okay so far. The doc said that his rectum was not quite as dialated as he had hoped, so they left some gauze in there to "stretch" things out. Hubs said that it would come out on Sunday. I'm not sure how that will work, but I'm not the doctor.

Cheese looked alright. Pretty good for someone who had major surgery 10 hours before. He had a dose of morphine while I was there, and that seemed to help. I know he is still in a bit of pain. Poor little guy. What a tough kid! Cheese is my hero!

The week at work was okay. I have had to contact 2 parents so far this year. One was early in the week, and the girl has been much better since then. Mom apparently threatened to take away her cell phone. Why an 8th grader needs a cell phone is beyond me! But I guess when you have as much money as this family, even the dog can have a cell phone.

Cheese also has a loose tooth. His first. The tooth fairy has been to the bank, or so I hear. I heard that she picked up some silver dollars and some gold dollars. Something special for when the tooth comes out. :-) I surveyed my students, and the going rate for a tooth is anywhere from $1 to $20! Wow! What would a tooth have to do to be worth $20? Some people just have more money than sense. Hubs and I decided that $1 is plenty for the fairy to leave. Especially since there's another brother on the horizon to losing teeth. We don't want her to set an expectation too high. Ya know?

Must. Go. Switch. Laundry.

need more hours and less shouting

So, the boys are in the other room. Playing some game that requires them to throw toys into a trash can. And then fight about whose turn it is. There is much shouting. And I'm pretty sure that Cheese is cheating. Or at least not taking turns properly. Because B-rex is yelling a lot. In anger and despair.

What a week! I should really be reading my JOhn Dewey book for class, but I just can't bring myself to pick it up. It's just so wicked boring! And I should also read chapter 4, but again: BORING. Ugh! Grad school is not fun. It is a lot of work.

On top of that, school started this week. Which is not too bad. I've got pretty good classes, it seems so far. It's hard to tell, since we only had 2 days. But they seem alright.

1st period: good. There are a few I'm going to have to come down hard on. Soon. But I can handle that.

2nd period: super! They have been great so far.

3rd period: OMG! Try 29 (yes, 29) sixth graders in one room. With only 27 desks. And I may end up with more, because of scheduling mix-ups. Oh, boy! I am not looking forward to this one!

4th period: 13. Because of the same scheduling probs, I only have 13 in this class. Seem wrong to anyone else? How important is it exactly that these kids all have lunch together? I mean, seriously! Wouldn't their parents rather them get a quality education?

5th period: awesome! Great kids. Mostly my 2nd period from last year.

6th period: is going to be tricky. I've got my "mean girls" from 1st per. last year. All in the same class again. How do they do that? Anyway, I need to figure out how to separate them again. So they will sit down and shut up!

And on top of all that, Cheese started kindergarten. I'll admit it. I cried. But just a little! Really! Not even enought to mess up my makeup. But it was hard. I can't even believe that he's that old. Where has all the time gone?

Well, that's my week. I could really use some motivation. Like the fact that the masters will bring in a LOT more money!!!!! Must read now. Must. Read. Now.

Craziness I tell you

I must have lost my mind. I actually volunteered to be the head Latin person for the district while T is on maternity leave next year. What was I thinking? That means that I'll be the go-to person for all 6 of the Latin teachers in the district. I'll be in charge of the paperwork, the meetings, the curriculum, the in-services, everything. Yikes! Well, it's only one year. Then T will be back. She'd better come back.

I leave for Italy in 6 days. Am I ready? Well, I thought so. It's the biggest trip yet, 30 people! 17 kids ranging in age from 9 to 14. 13 adults. (I'm counting Hubs as an adult, even though he won't admit to actually being one.) What am I thinking? I'm thinking that I love it over there. That it is worth any price just to see the land again. To feel the ruins under my hands. To smell the lush fields and taste that gelato. We're going to Venice this time. When I think about the last time I was there.... it was a different time. I was so young then. Only 21! There will be no wandering around the various bridges this time. It will only be a day. Wish we could stay there longer. And Verona. And Florence! Maybe we can take a look at those leather markets again. I need a new belt, since the ones I bought back in college will NOT fit me anymore. That was a while ago.

Anyway, just waiting now. Hubs is on his way home with his parents. They want to see the kids and take us all out to dinner. Sweet! I was looking forward to a simple pizza at home, but whatever. They're paying. I'm tired, as I often am when Hubs is gone. I can't sleep without him here. I think that I finally turned off the light last night around 1:15. And then got up at 6:00. I've averaged about 5 hours of sleep a night while he's been gone. And my nose is all stuffy. (by dose is all tuffy.) That's not exactly a recipe for a reunion: Hubs' parents, me tired, me not feel good. Should be a fun evening.

D's Wings, huh? Great. I hope the kids behave!

BTW, I will have use of the school laptop this summer. I hope to be able to update this blog on a regular basis. Well, not during the first trip, probably. Hubs won't let me, I'm sure. But during the long trip, when I'm on my own. I'll write it for him, and the kids. They can keep up with me while I'm gone. I'm a genius! After all, this blog IS called My Summer Vacation. It's almost 2 years old now. Who knew?

Late.

It is past my bedtime. I don't think I'll be sleeping any time soon. I've got a lot on my mind. I can't even really explain it. I don't know that I'm free to, since my mom reads this blog occasionally. I'm just tired and frustrated.

I hate teaching. Period. On some days, I don't even like the kids any more. They are so mean to each other. One girl, Madi, called some other girls in class "stupid" today. And they were her friends! A couple of other kids are so annoying, I could gladly take an axe to their heads, just to make them shut up. One is a 7th grader, so I have another year with him. The other is a 6th grader, and he says he's signed up for my class for next year. Which means 2 more years with him.

None of them think before they open their mouths. Ever. At least my 2 worst classes are in Washington this week. So I don't have to deal with them. They are all so whiny. At the slightest bit of work, they start to whine. I think they are smart. So why can't they understand that whining is not the way to go?

I'm tired of B-rex saying "NO!" everything. That is his favorite word these days. We've tried Bonnie's idea of just giving him choices for everything, thereby taking away 'no' as an answer, but even that doesn't always work. Tonight, he threw a fit because he didn't want to brush his teeth before bed. Then, when Hubs closed his door, B-rex decided that he DID indeed want to brush his teeth. Only, Daddy had already taken that choice off the table. So he just had to go straight to bed instead.

I feel like I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a week. I have had it with people.

Did Ya Miss Me?

I've been away for far too long. I have felt unhappy, lethargic, and downright nasty. It must be because I haven't been writing. Even if no one reads this, it makes me feel better. I write because I must. If I don't, I will shrivel up and die.

This is my out. This is my way to tell myself that everything can't be as bad as it seems. Even when it is just as bad as it seems. It's my way to let out the drama that is inside me.

This week has been rough. It's my own fault, really. I waited until the last minute to make my final exams. I waited until the night before it's due (tonight) to work on my paper for my class. Oops. I'm a procrastinator. I'll admit it. But my paper is good. And it's done. All I have to do is copy some extra stuff, and I'll be ready to go.

Exams start tomorrow. Tomorrow, the torture begins. They have to translate. It's not great on a good day, let alone when they are nervous. Then Friday is the grammar. Hee, hee, hee. I've been practicing my evil laugh. The tests are all multiple choice. I don't do that to be nice to the devils. I do that because I have very little time to grade these things, and m.c. is easy to grade. And I can get Hubs to help out. Even he can read the letters. Don't have to know Latin for that!

Tomorrow after school I have 3 places to be. 1) homebound instruction. Guess I'll have to call and cancel that. Maybe she can meet on Friday. 2) Class. So I can turn in my paper. We're supposed to be having dinner/appetizers. That sounds like way more fun than... 3) meeting. We have to talk about 8th grade graduation. And summer staff development. Fun.

I've started Weight Watchers. The first week I lost 3 pounds. This week, not so much. In fact, not at all. I've not been very good this week. It's got to be the stress. I can't lose weight when I've got all this stuff on my mind. (it just took me three tries to type m-i-n-d. Geez!) Must stop the stress. Must stop the stress.

Spring Break

My brother recommeds this movie. In fact, he has proclaimed to his fiancee that he is going to see it on opening night. I watched the trailer. Judge for yourself.

Spring Break begins today.

I have no plans.

Except to take Cheeseman to get a rod stuck up his ass. No, really. In order to get his rectum ready for the colostomy reversal, they have to dialate. The surgeon knocks him out, then sticks a rod up his butt. Lovely.

I got to see the actual rods. The ones they were sticking in my son's butt. I probably could have done without that.

Anyway, that's the most exciting thing I'm doing this spring break. Anyone else got better plans?

I'll be starting the end of school countdown soon. Yippee!

Eye Candy, dammit

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Okay, I thought that since I have been eating so much candy today, I should find out what kind I am. Cute, huh? Smooshie and cute, all at the same time. No wonder my Hubs... um, I'll stop now.

Anyway, I am out of school for the holidays! Yay! The students have been absolutely worthless since their exams last week. I have NEVER been so glad to get out of there. And a lot of the teachers are moving to new classrooms over the break, due to the opening of the NEW BUILDING. So I spent the afternoon packing up my office and moving boxes and crates to my new classroom. Yes, they have people who will do that, but crates. They are open on top. I don't want stuff getting messed up. And I mostly wanted to make sure it all went to the right room. Because face it, some of the people who move us can't read properly. I needed to know that my stuff was where I needed it in January. Of course, they haven't moved the previous teacher completely out yet, so it's still possible that they'll move my stuff with hers. That would suck. It is labelled though. Ahh, literacy.

I am just so glad to be done. At least for the next two weeks. I feel relieved. It will be nice to just work one job for a little while. I thought it was funny when people would tell me to "Enjoy your break!" Break? What's that? I'll be at the bookstore nearly every day. No break for me. That's okay. It's still better than being at school!

Happy Halloween!

It's Halloween! Happy Halloween!

OMG! The kids at school today were so crazy! Luckily, I managed to calm down a couple of classes by giving them a test. I'm so mean. Actually, it wasn't too bad a day. My first two classes had donuts, courtesy of parents. We celebrated a girl's birthday in first block. In second block, hmm, I'm not really sure why we had donuts. And cookies. But I'll tell you, I was HIGH!! I'd taken some cold medicine before class. Then had some hot chocolate. Then a glazed donut. The some Mountain Dew. Then a donut with orange (yum) icing and sprinkles. And some more Mountain Dew. I was flying! I have no idea what went on in my classes. I'm such a responsible teacher.

In third and fourth blocks, the kids took a test on Hercules. It was 25 whole multiple-choice questions. So hard. (Hear sarcasm here) Then they got to color a Halloween themed picture. Of course, they had to use their knowledge of Latin colors in order to follow the key. Of course, some of them didn't finish in class. So, now they have COLORING homework. From Latin class. It's funny.

Then in 5th and 6th block, we took a test. It was not a particularly hard test. It was not a terribly easy test. The kids thought it was pretty easy. I tried not to make it too difficult. As much as those 8th graders annoy the piss out of me, I really don't want them to fail. Well, most of them anyway. There are a couple that I'd like to flunk. If I'm being honest. And why not? This is my blog. None of my students know it exists. And they'd never think to look for me under this name.

Coming up next: the exciting world of trick-or-treating. We're going out to my sister's and going with her daughter in their neighborhood. Which is just as well, since we're too poor to buy candy to hand out this year. I'd feel bad taking my neighbors' candy if I'm not participating. Ya know? I'll post some pictures later of the kids. Colby is dressing as Spiderman, as he's been doing for the past month. And Bennett is going as an elephant. Yeah, I know. Poor kid. But it was free and it will fit. I hope. We haven't actually tried it on him. Guess if worse comes to worse (what does that mean anyway) we can always put him in one of my neice's Cinderella outfits. (hee hee)

And Another One

I'll be the first to admit it. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I know I say that a lot, but I think that there are teachers everywhere who will echo my sentiments.

There was another school shooting today. In Amish country. A shooter just walked in and blew the kids (girls) away. Last week, a principal was shot by a student. The week before, there was a shooting somewhere else. According to the news, there have been 17 fatal shootings just this school year. Since August 1.

I'm scared. I work in a less desireable part of town. The kids at my school can be rough. We have an entire "village" of portables. Anybody can get in there and just go crazy. There's a chain link fence keeping us safe. There's a whole building site on the other side. What if one of those guys went crazy? Who is going to stop them?

I have two little ones who need their mommy.

Someone needs to do something about this. I don't want to be afraid every time I go to work. I'm a teacher for goodness sake! We're all about shaping the future of America, creating leaders, and all that shit. Isn't it time someone took care of us. Lord knows, we don't get paid enough to give up our lives.

Think about it. And thank a teacher for being willing to go to work tomorrow.

Week 7: School

Woo-hoo! Have I ever mentioned that sometimes, it is just fun to be a teacher? (I probably haven't, since 99% of the time I hate it.) It was fun last week. Just one day. Just one class. But sometimes that's all it takes.

I've been having some trouble with my 5th period class. They are 8th graders. Their hormones are starting to work pretty consistently. The girls are all into makeup and hair and boys! The boys' voices are changing. That is pretty damn funny. Especially when they squeak. I love it! I digress. The point is, I've been wanting to skip this class every day. I dread going. Really. And I'm the teacher.
So, on Wednesday, two of the girls came to class with nothing (we'll call them Mary and Flo). No books, no notebooks, nada. "Mrs. English said we could leave our stuff in her room. She said she'd be back after lunch." Obviously, their not having their stuff was all Mrs. English's fault.

This was not the first time they'd done this. I said:
"Flo, you have arms that work. You can carry your stuff with you to the cafeteria."

"But it's a lot of stuff. It's heavy."

"Save it! I carry stuff with me from class to class ALL DAY! I don't want to hear it!"

The look on Flo's face was priceless. I think this may well have been the first time that someone had actually talked back to the princess. This is the same child who had the NERVE to put on eyeliner in my class AFTER. I. TOLD. HER. TO. STOP.

Wednesday afternoon, I also sent an email to about 7 sets of parents, letting them know that I'd had it up to here with their kids. Needless to say, the behavior of my 5th period class has improved. There is still one that I just need to beat with a stick. And his momma is a teacher too. Kind of like preachers kids are the worst in church. Teachers kids are pretty wretched in school. I can't wait to see what my two are going to be like. They're getting a double-whammy. Preacher's kids and teacher's kids. God help them.